What if your customers turned the tables on you?

by Phil Buckley on January 7, 2011

in Just Sayin'

Old wheelchair granny photo by Wouter van Doorn

I can not vouch for the authenticity of the following story, but it’s fun to read none the less…

The real question is what if your customers started to treat your business they way you treat them? What follows is allegedly from a 98 year old woman in the UK who wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.
A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Photo by Wouter van Doorn

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Mike Brown Mike Brown January 7, 2011 at 9:16 am

This is an interesting article and I had to take some time to truly analyze the message it presents. The question at hand what if your client treated you the way you treat them. This is a humbling and eye opening.

This is why we are in business right! To work with people that you enjoy and who appreciates working with you. Like a relationship you should want to pick up their calls! You answer this question, then you find your purpose in business. If your client treated you the way you treat them how would you feel? What do you truly think of your client? A client is a relationship of course the benefits are different but a relationship all the same. It is a give and take. You should want to sacrifice for your clients and want to help them in any way that you can. If not then you need to take a step back and be like is this worth it. Am I being treated the way I treat them?

Relationships need to be healthy and they affect your way of life. So this question answers many questions about how we should live…. what are you going to do to either continue to grow your great relationships or are you going to make a change?

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